Understanding is not the same as accepting.
A reason is not an excuse.
There are those who seem to believe that if they can make you see why they did or said something, then it should be perfectly all right with you that they have done so or said what they said.
There are those who seem to believe that if they explain to you their reason for saying or doing what they did, that makes it okay.
They didn’t “mean” it; they are above reproach.
When you “call” a person such as this on rude words or contemptuous behaviour, they may respond with “You chose to take it that way” or “You like to play the victim.”
If they deign to acknowledge their responsibility for doing or saying something that was out of line — and they rarely acknowledge it — they invariably add something like “But I was upset at this thing that happened” or “But I wasn’t feeling well” or “You should’ve known …” or anything to throw up smoke and mirrors.
Things weren’t going their way, so it’s okay to shit all over you.
With people like this, there is no easy way forward. Their rationalization of their act, convinced that you are now treating them unfairly because you don’t approve of everything about them, is as firm as concrete. They didn’t do it; why, that’s not what they said! It’s really your fault anyway. You asked a stupid question. You make everything about you.
I learned long ago from a dear friend to stop trying to convince people like this of anything. You’ve said your piece, hoping they’ll hear you, because you can’t just let it go by without remark — scorn and curses and are not something you want to deal with again, so you can’t just “take it” as if it was nothing and walk away; but now, look beyond the surface of this person you care for, who is glaring at you, determined to convince you (and perhaps themself) that they never make a mistake and did not make one this time either, and hold out your hand in friendship.
When they don’t take it, when they say “No thanks” and walk away, angry, well … so be it.
What do you do?
I carry on.
There remains a sense of unfinished business, which I never like. I always want to “get to the bottom of it” and come to a conclusion that includes a handshake at the very least.
But sometimes that’s not how it is, and only time will influence, as far as you know, the next meeting with that person. There’s nothing more you can do except try not to dwell on your disappointment, your own anger. How easily can you let it go, not allow it to colour your day?
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