At Age 23

sandy-bay-138

Sandy Bay, Sask., where I lived at the time of some of this journalling. My beau had a job for the First Nations band office and I worked at a little café, cooking and serving burgers and fries. I also studied literature via a correspondence course through the University of Saskatchewan. We lived in a single-wide housetrailer and I’d often climb up on this high rock hill behind it.

Nov. 16, 1982
I need much work on myself still and am not thrilled at the prospect of it, and wonder if I’ll ever be always cheery, always centred, always loving, always able to take things in stride and have a good time. I feel so reclusive these days. Half the time I consider it a weakness, not to enjoy people, and the other half of the time I figure solitude is a thing to be desired too, and let myself fall into my longing for it, without regrets. I let myself have my desires.

Jan. 20, 1983
I should eat more fruit and drink more water.

Feb. 1
Life has never been a perpetual thrill, that I can remember.

March 30
Radio: Haze seen over N. Pole is man-made, could begin to melt Arctic ice and change world climate. Is that what’s already started happening in the past few years?

May 30
There is nothing wrong with Sandy Bay but there’s something less than satisfying about living right in town where I never feel alone, safe, and in solitude.

Nov. 5
When your feet are cold, “ground yourself” to remedy it.

Nov. 8
I have to feel like I am worthwhile for my own sake, not because others love or need me. I have to feel worthwhile even if they don’t love or need me. I thought I did, but was deluding myself, maybe. I have to learn to love myself even if I’m not accomplishing anything — like a paralyzed person must, when he can do nothing but is still alive.

Nov. 13
Why do I feel better alone or with one or two people?

Nov. 28
Your imagination is your intuition, only we have been taught that there is no reality in it.

Dec. 25
I’m in bed and Mom too has just crawled into bed with Dad in the next room. It’s nice and it’s hope-giving (of a contented, friendly, loving relationship with someone after living with him for 25 years) to hear them talking and chuckling together in low voices.

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6 thoughts on “At Age 23

  1. “to hear them talking and chuckling together in low voices”

    The most euphoric, wonderful, heavenly place on earth was lying in bed at at night at my Granny and Grandpa’s house, and hearing them talk to one another about just stuff as they lay in bed together in the next room. Those were the best moments of my life.

  2. Wow. I’ve lost a lot of my journals but should dig some out. What a lovely memory of your parents!

    XO
    WWW

  3. Yes and No. According to the old journals, I have misremembered many things, and that is good … I was kinder and more sensible than I recall. On the down side, the journals were often the place I worked out my dissatisfactions, leaving an unbalanced record of my experience and attitudes. They’re kind of fun to go through but I don’t want to do a lot of revisiting of the past, either, so it’s taking a long time.

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